There is a mentality that I am trying to leave behind.
Full of inhibitions and second guesses and shyness.
The mentality of the now involves open
flow
of
ideas
but
not calling them ideas
rather
just belonging to what happens and
then I become annoyed.
because there aren't other people around me doing the same thing.
and that limits my thought process.
so if I seem off putting.
if i seem quiet.
If I seem like I'm not listening.
it's probably because i'm not.
thought process:
i need people. i can't shut them out. other people need to be my base for doing what i love to do and being able to.
but do they really need to be?
IT'S SO DIFFICULT TO TALK TO PEOPLE AND TO LOSE MY INHIBITIONS.
is it really that necessary?
I'm becoming more and more lost to internet.
I realize that it is horrible. BUT IN MY CURRENT SITUATION IT'S ALL THAT I CAN DO.
right?
where is my car to travel?
where are my friends to take me?
who values me?
who do i value?
who do i value enough that i want them to value me?
very
small
list.
the long summer is ahead.
a whole life is ahead.
wonder.
if i'm doing everything right.
the hard way = people.
the easy (?) way = holing myself up.
easyyyy rider.
i want to spread myself among other people, but i want those other people to know that i have shared myself with them. and that i am valuable. and that they are valuable to me.
i don't like lies.
i don't want you to lie to me and tell me it's okay. or that you like me.
and the same goes, i won't make it easy. i will tell you the truth, through my actions or my words.
listen please.
because right now.
i am lonely.
and right now.
i'm trying not to think too much.
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